HairMare: When doing a child’s hair turns into a nightmare experience.
One may think my biggest hairmare would be something like gum stuck in my daughter’s hair. Or the multiple times she cut her hair (bangs) off all the way to her scalp (yes- more than once!). Maybe when she got slime embedded into her scalp! Oh, wait, maybe the time she used a permanent marker to color her hair!
Far from it!
Nope- none of those frustrating experiences were even close to my worst hairmare.
My biggest hairmare was filled with guilt and shame for not handling a situation that arose with compassion and patience.
The situation: My daughter got a curling iron stuck in her hair. (Anger, Fear, and Rage) My initial reaction? I yelled at her and gruffly asked her how on earth she managed that. I know now, the hairmare wasn’t what happened to Faith or her hair- it was the way I reacted to what happened. She was already scared, in a hot spot (pun intended) with the curling iron, and screaming for my help. My response was the yelling and with it, the insensitivity to her. It was a completely inappropriate reaction to the situation I found myself in. What I really wanted in my heart was to protect her (I love her more than life itself) and make sure all was well, and when I couldn’t, I yelled at her. Hot spot indeed.
By the end of the curling iron situation, she was even more scared- and I was weighed down with deep regret. After that, my daughter seemed afraid to come to me with any difficult issues. It all started with her hair.
After looking at myself and taking responsibility I learned that I was afraid of what other people or other parents would think of me. Maybe, I would be viewed as a bad parent and they would think I failed as a father (and that this role was really meant for mothers). The made-up pressure was immense and I was falling apart at the seams.
I cried! I was scared of myself! What happened to all of my good intentions? I just wanted to be a good father and give her the kind of love that she deserves. The love that I promised to give to her unconditionally when she was born).
It took time for me to change my own behavior so that she could become comfortable with me in a stressful situation again. It was immediate on my part though, to know that my reactivity had caused her harm and that it needed to change. As a result of this learning, our relationship grew stronger. I’ve grown even stronger, too. Stronger in my understanding, compassion, and patience. Now doing Faith’s hair is a metaphor for our healthy relationship.
I learned that it wasn’t what happened in my life or with my daughter, it was my reaction to it. It was me- nothing to do with my daughter’s hair. I was responsible and there was lots of work to be done.
We want your help!
We want to know about your hairmare. Was it gum? Was it scissors? Was it the way you behaved in reaction to a situation? Let us know.
